Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Coinage Mayhem

Here's another funny piece of satire from our friends at The Wittenburg

Godforsaken Coins Flood Market, Cause Rampant Godlessness

The US Mint has announced that a production error caused approximately 50,000 gold George Washington dollar coins lacking the words, "In God we Trust" to pass into circulation. The magnitude of this crisis cannot be overstated, although we are determined to try.

If Americans can't consult their coins to learn anew that they trust God, what are they supposed to think? Simple: Maybe there is no God to trust. Or if there is a God, maybe we can't trust Him. Or maybe that's our Creator pictured there, sporting wooden teeth and powdered hair. Oh, we just won't remember Who to trust anymore, and then... well jeepers, what's the point of it all?

Not surprisingly, this mistake has instantly unleashed a tidal wave of wanton and Godless behavior by the holders of the atheist coins. Satan is jingling in their pockets, and the ever-suggestible American people are reacting accordingly.

Retreat centers are throwing open their doors for all-night drug and sex parties; cherubic schoolchildren are cutting the heads off their neighbors' prize tulips; dazed shopkeepers are abandoning their wares and boarding buses to the Palatial Palace Casino.

One elderly gentleman was interviewed as he entered The Secret Garden adult video store. "I always thought it was in God I trusted," he shook his head ruefully. "But when I checked my wallet this morning, I learned I was mistaken. Oh well, excuse me, I have 75 years worth of wild oats to sow."

In a frantic effort to recall the errant and filthy Lucre of Lucifer, the Mint is offering rewards for the return of the gravely misleading money. 50,000 Americans will soon be recompensed with coins proclaiming, "We trust you, God! We really trust you! Boy, do we, Americans, trust God!" To accommodate the extra verbiage the new coins will be 5 inches in diameter. Vending machines and pay phones may be a challenge, but the giant size XL moolah will be a handy reminder of Him in whom we Trust.

If all of the Devil's Dollars can be retrieved, there is hope for America. Dens of iniquity will empty, nuns will return to their nunneries and monks to their monkeries. Little cherubs will continue to murder flowers, but hey – what are you gonna do?

A host of organizations, the Boy Scouts, the Salvation Army, People for the American Way, AARP, the Royal Order of the Odd Fellows, the Jerry Lewis Telethon production team, and the entire congregation of Calvary Assemblies of God in Wheaton, Ill., have set collection centers outside Wal-Marts across America. Other groups are joining hourly.

Spokesperson Stan Mooneyham, released a joint statement to the national media:

"Please, give generously. Our corporate soul is at stake here."

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